My little Bella just loves to prop herself on the window sill and wait with kid-like excitment for so many wonderful things to happen! After all, a neighborhood dog could pass by any minute, or a squirrel could be flitting up and down the tall tree trunk outside–maybe even a cat could dash by. In Bella’s mind (if I may anthropomorphisize), an endless possiblitiy of good things could happen at a moment’s notice! In his classic best-selling book THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING, Norman Vincent Peale dedicated a whole chapter to “Expecting the Best–And Getting It”. When you approach the day with dread and negativity, he believed you actually repel the good things that could potentially happen for you. Your challenge for today: No matter what obstacles you run into, stay focused on the positive, and expect wonderful things. Comment below and let me know if your mindset makes a difference. xoxox .
Last night I had the most FABULOUS date! He was a true gentleman. He opened doors, pulled out my chair at the 5-star restaurant he took me to, spoke intelligently, and had really good hygiene, to boot! We talked about going on a luxury cruise together, and maybe doing some traveling around the world. Luckily I have been working out like crazy and using a new miracle wrinkle cream so the pounds–and wrinkles—have become a thing of the past!
Well I have to cut this post short because it is time for my laughing-yoga-with-a-goat session, and then on to my wild greens lunch—which I foraged myself alla Euell Gibbons.
OH WAIT—none of that is exactly true! Or rather a few major details might have been left out. Such as I get extremely seasick and would rather camp out in the wild (my LEAST favorite activity in the world) than ever get on a boat again. The last Mr. Clean-cut Gentleman, showed up in cargo shorts, flip flops, dirty fingernails and took me to a dimly lit bar where the beers were on sale. And I buy my greens at the local health food store.
Oh, and this photo? It’s not really of me (surprise!) and I haven’t found that perfect miracle diet or wrinkle cream yet—because THEY DON’T EXIST!
Friends, there is a phenomenon called “Facebook Depression”, although it can be generalized to all social network site usage. I recently came across a fascinating article published in the Journal of Affective Disorders, where researchers did a meta-analysis of all articles published on the connection between a negative mood and social media exposure. They looked at time spent on social media sites; frequency of checking social media sites, and social comparison, a theory put forth in 1954 by social psychologist Leon Festinger. Social Comparison Theory says that we humans have an innate drive to evaluate ourselves based on a comparison with others. Of course there is a lot more to this theory, but the interesting finding the present study, was that “upward” social comparison had the greatest effect on producing a negative mood—even more so than generally comparing our lives to social media posts, the amount of timewe spend on social media, or the frequencywith which we check our social media throughout the day.
In other words—when we read a post like the one I began with, and then compare the reality of our own NORMAL lives to posts that make it appear there really issuch a thing as the PERFECT life—we are more like to get depressed.
The solution is not to swear off of social media—in fact, social media sites do a lot of good when used consciously. We can learn things, get ideas, stay in touch with friends and family we normally wouldn’t see in person that often, and even share announcements that others might be interested in. However, when it comes to posts that push the FANTASY of a perfect life—don’t buy it, and don’t allow yourself to compare your own life to those posts. Most people DON’T post the things that go wrong in a normal human life—and we ALL have various ups and downs; challenges and victories. The key is to cherish our OWN beautifully imperfect lives, each and every day. The very fact that we are here, alive, and in full human attire—is perhaps the finest gift of all.
Yoon, S., Kleinman, M., Mertz, J. & Brannick, M. (2019). Is social network site usage related to depression? A Meta-analysis of Facebook-depression relations. Journal of Affective Disorders, v.248, pp.65-72.
MY UPCOMING BOOK “AGING HAPPY” IS AVAILABLE NOW FOR PRE-ORDER ON AMAZON.COM.
The research is clear: Loneliness is hazardous to our health. In fact some experts claim it increases our risk of premature death by a whopping 20%. It can affect our blood pressure, our heart health, and our weight. When we are lonely we take less care of ourselves. We lose the motivation to eat right, exercise, tend to our appearance, or even socialize.
Of course being alone does not always mean you are lonely. Nor does being in company always ensure you are NOT lonely. Also worth noting is that we all have different alone-time preferences, which must be respected. We vary along the introversion—extraversion personality spectrum.
Rest assured, that everyone at one time or another feels lonely, and then the feeling passes when we switch our focus.
Research shows that loneliness involves feelings of social isolation; a feeling that something is “missing” from your life; such as EMOTIONAL SUPPORT or PHYSICAL COMPANIONSHIP. The good news is, you can do something about it. A good place to start is to take control of your social life. If you frequently feel like you are missing either one of these components, get out your journal, and a calendar, and TAKE ACTION.
First the journal, where you describe WHAT you want your social life to look like? Do you want to find romantic love? New friends? Reconnect with old friends or distant cousins? The possibilities are endless.
Second, be willing to do the WORK. Designate blocks of time in your calendar to deepen the relationships that afford you emotional support, and schedule activities that provide you with exposure to new possible companionship(special interest groups such as book clubs, walking groups, volunteering, etc.) and not necessarily lifelong commitment.
Third, follow through with at least 1-2 social activities per week. This can be increased or pulled back to your satisfaction.
If you often feel lonely, take action; even if at first you don’t feel like it. It can save your life. Kind of like exercising; if you make social interaction a more frequent habit, you will eventually feel so much better you will wonder how you spent so much time alone watching TV!
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#Aging Happy #BeingOver50Rocks #HappinessWithinOurControl
As I write in “Aging Happy”, ignorance is NOT bliss when it comes to ignoring the beauty around us. On the other hand there is plenty of evidence that SAVORING the small pleasures of life increases our sense of well-being. No more gulping down meals without tasting them; no more walking past the dog that bounds to the door to greet you when you come home; no more failing to enjoy the fragrance of the flowers as you walk past them; no more “multitasking” that keeps you from consiously registering the real treasures this life affords you. So what are the gifts that YOU are going to intentially savor today? Happiness can be as simple as what you decide to focus on.
Research shows that expressing appreciation increases your sense of well-being and life satisfaction. And it works that way for the recipent, too! Case-in-point:
Two years ago I received a hand-written letter from a friend I had lost contact with since my college days. He had just been given a dismal prognosis and set out to write letters to those who made a difference in his life. The letter to me recalled a time, back in the 70s when we were at my parent’s house waiting for our dates to arrive and while waiting I asked if he wanted to hear the new ragtime piano piece I had been working on. Never did I think he would remember that experience so many years later. Interestingly, it wasn’t just about the music, but the memory of how special he felt that I would want to play that piece for HIM, because no one had ever given him a “private concert” before nor since. Who would have thought?
That letter still means the world to me, and it made me even more convinced of the importance of telling the people who have impacted my life, how much I appreciate them, and how my life changed because of their presence in the world.
What are YOU waiting for to express appreciation to someone who has made a difference in your life? Who are the people who have changed YOUR life for the better? Why not email them, write them, call them, invite them for coffee, etc. –and express THANKS. It will make both of you feel great! #AgingHappy
In our younger years when we wanted to open a jar ASAP we would muscle off the lid in a matter of seconds. Now we know we can avoid a sprained hand by dragging out the old -fashioned bottle opener and easing the pointed end under the jar lid at different spots until we hear the air seal break. Voila’—it eventually opens just fine.
In the past, you may have subjected yourself to numerous fad diets that promised dramatic results in short amounts of time. Now you realize that if you consistently just eat foods that are good for you while cutting out useless calories–over time your body will gravitate almost effortlessly to a healthy normal weight.
There is a certain lightness that comes with realizing there is no need to power through insurmountable obstacles in order to achieve your goals. Instead we can float through most obstacles with peace and calm –knowing that success is rarely a byproduct of brute force; but rather the result of consistent moderate intensity actions, and having the patience to let the process take its course.
At one time I had so many workout devices in my home that almost every room seemed to guilt-trip me into jumping on a treadmill, hopping on a skier, hoisting myself over a stepper, or raising and lowering a barbell instead of just enjoying some much-needed down time. Today the rooms in my home beckon me to enjoy reading, writing, sharing a meal with family or friends, or just watching a movie. With the wisdom of age, it dawned on me that I hardly had to hammer my body into shape in every available free minute. To the contrary, a brisk lunchtime walk most days of the week, and some light hand-weights here and there keep me in shape just fine.
Whether you are trying to get fit, learn a new musical instrument, write a book, launch a business, feel the effects of a new vitamin, experiment with an unfamiliar dinner recipe, or even expand your social life— forget about knocking yourself out to the point of exhaustion by pressuring yourself to get to the finish line ASAP. Instead, just take a few deep breaths, smile, and note how the process of slow and steady will help you to enjoy your life more—and make you a winner every time. In time.
Coming in November: Ageing Happy: How to Knock Out the Nonsense and Make These the Best Years of Your Life.
For speaking inquiries: RaeleenMautner@gmail.com
I wasn’t able to watch the Grammys last night, although I will catch a glimpse of some of the performances this evening on the Internet. Admittedly, I don’t know all of the newer artists, but of course I remember with fondness the performers of yesteryear—the musical geniuses who provided the backdrop to all of the special moments in my life. I loved them then; I love them now. In many cases, their talent just keeps getting better.
Today, I ran into a friend who asked me if I saw the Grammy Awards. She told me she always loves to see what outfits people will wear, and experience the old and new talents—some of which were pretty outstanding. This was a long time friend of mine—a very good friend; someone with whom I can discuss anything. But as she talked about the Grammys, there seemed to be no energetic vibe, no glint of excitement, no glimmer of joy. Finally, she revealed how saddened she was to see a few of the older entertainers, who, instead of proudly representing their age, apparently felt the pressure of having to puff up, cut up, or chemically stiffen their faces so many times, they had practically become caricatures of themselves. She felt badly about the pressure these major talents must have felt that prompted them to change their appearance—and this had even started to make my friend feel badly about herself, knowing full well that if that is what an older person must do to stay in the game, what a dismal state of affairs.
I am all about doing whatever anyone wishes to do in order to feel and look better. What I question, however is feeling we must cave to the pressure that our youth-oriented culture puts on older adults; causing many of us to desperately try to stay looking twenty in order to feel attractive and valued.
Has anyone ever denied the beauty of an autumn tree? Not long ago, I lived on a road lined with stately old trees from which long graceful branches on either side, reached out to touch each other, forming an endless lush arc of foliage. In autumn this arc took on the brilliance of sunlit gold, orange, red, and rust. People who drove on my street experienced a breathtaking—almost blinding work of Nature; a droplet of spiritual beauty to the eye of the observer.
And while no one thinks of autumn trees as unsightly just because they no longer have the tender blossoms of spring—we humans haven’t fared so well when it comes to perspectives on aging in our society. We are bombarded with anti-aging messages that in essence tell us to keep trying, keep hoping, keep chasing the pipedream of being twenty once again, instead of honoring the beauty inherent in every age, the evolvement of the soul, the depth of accumulated intelligence and wisdom we possess in our autumn years. It is time to start proudly celebrating each birthday, each month, each day, each minute that we are given the privilege to celebrate our life.
While we may not be able to single-handedly change others’ perspective on ageing, we can refuse to buy into it —by respecting ourselves. With unabashed gratitude we owe it to ourselves to acknowledge the beauty of our age, the immensity of our hearts, and the capacity of our minds. This “third age”, I have discovered, is wrought with exquisiteness. This is the time to live our gift of life to the fullest: in strength, confidence, grace, and goodness. What a relief it is to know that we are fine and even perfect just the way we are—without having to chase anyone else’s impossible dream of who they think we should be. Now is the time to live out YOUR dreams, YOUR way.
COMING IN NOVEMBER, my newest book : “Aging Happy: How to Knock Out the Nonsense and Make These the Best Years of Your Life “(Linden Press).
For speaking inquiries : RaeleenMautner@gmail.com
(By Source (WP:NFCC#4), Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=50316612)
The idea for the little child-ghost with the New Yawk accent was conceived in the 30’s and slowly evolved along the decades from books to comics to a cartoon show in the early 60’s. It was about a delightful ghost. A friendly ghost who wasn’t like the others. He actually wanted to make friends with people—not scare them. He wanted to help others—not hurt them. I loved the Casper cartoons, and you probably did too.
Flash forward to a term we never had to familiarize ourselves with back then—not even on Halloween when we cut three holes into our mother’s old sheets and morphed into little with trick-or-treat bags. The term “ghosting” doesn’t mean any of that today. Instead it refers to a growing phenomenon in a world that is growing increasingly less courteous.
“Ghosting” someone today, means you have an interaction with someone (or may have even had many interactions), and the interaction had been positive. You were on the same wavelength and came to an agreement to talk again or see each other. Then, without warning or explanation that person “disappears”, like a ghost. You may or may not attempt to contact them and there is no response.
Ghosting can happen in any area of a relationship. It can happen after a first date when everything you thought was upbeat and the chemistry seemed to be there. The person says they would like to go out again but then—-POOF– no person.
Ghosting can happen in the context of business. You might have introduced yourself and your idea to someone in a position to purchase or implement that idea. They indicate they are “all in” and really enthusiastic. They give you their personal cellphone just so they are sure not to miss your follow up call. Then POOF—gone. No answer to your call, email or voicemail.
Ghosting can happen between friends or family members; even when longer-term relationships have been established. You think everything is going fine then one day they stop responding to your calls, or calling you back. They stop responding to your emails or attempts at writing a letter, even just to see if they are okay (they are, as you have probably already checked with someone who verified this).
Most of us, even before we knew the term, have experienced the feeling in recent years—and the feeling is one of hurt, confusion, even anger. All of that is normal as we are used to having some kind of conclusion or answers to situations in which people give one impression then appear to change their mind without having the courage to explain, work things out, or even just punctuate their desire not to have further contact with you.
If you have been ghosted recently, I’d like to suggest that you switch your thoughts from a negative reaction (e.g., “what did I do, say, “etc. that may have caused this) to these two perspectives:
- IT REALLY ISHIM/HER—NOT YOU. Barring extreme circumstances, disappearing without warning or explanation is usually an act of cowardice, rudeness, or just plain meanness on the part of the person who is doing the disappearing act. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Believe that.
- Be GRATEFUL. Consider that when a person disappoints you by disappearing without warning, it is the natural process of the “nonsense” knocking itself out of your life. You don’t have time for others’ bad behaviors. Life is too precious. Spend yours in positivity, and
- MOVE ON.That means, don’t dwell on it, don’t pursue further contact, don’t insist on an explanation, and don’t feed your desire to tell that person off. Neutralize your feelings about that person (eg-stop caring) and let your heart be light. Get professional help if you need it, but always be a shining example of your own inner beauty. Act with dignity, appreciation, and courteousness, and know that you lost nothing, but gained your own self-respect.
If you like topics related to aging happy—please do subscribe to this blog!
COMING THIS NOVEMBER: The release of my book: AgingHappy: How to Knock Out the Nonsense and Make These the Best Years of Your Life. Check my website for my talks and workshops on this topic, including my upcoming presentation at OSHER LIFE LONG LEARNING lunchtime café’ on Friday, April 5th—UConn Waterbury.
Copyright Raeleen Mautner, Ph.D. 2019
Those of us who are lucky enough to be Survivors of Life past the age of 50 are probably way too familiar with the kind of daily aches and pains that our doctors tell us are part and parcel of the privilege of aging. In talking to my peers I realize that many of us cannot get out of bed in the morning without experiencing some kind of stiffness or pain. Some of you cannot stand up from a chair or even go for a walk without grimacing from the pain in your knees or lower back. The current chapter I am working on for my book“Aging Happy: How to Knock Out The Nonsense and Make These the Best Years of Your Life”(to be released at the beginning of next year), looks at body image in older adults. This topic is particularly dear to my heart, as it completes the circle of the research I conducted as a (much) younger doctoral candidate many moons ago. It comes as no surprise that an adversarial relationship with our body in our older adult years is just as poisonous to our happiness as it was in our youth. Body Image Dissatisfaction can still make us older adults vulnerable to eating disorders, low self-esteem, social isolation, and depression.
The bulk of body-image research on adolescents and young adults examines the influence of advertising, the cosmetic and fashion industries, and even the comparisons we make between ourselves and those we think look better than us (i.e. Leon Festinger’s Social Comparison Theory, circa 1954)—but what about the influence of chronic pain on our self image as we age?
Non-malignant chronic pain, the kind that many of us experience every day, can keep us from feeling good about about the very body that houses our heart and soul and keeps us functioning right up to our last breath.
Pain can make us feel (and look) older, and feebler, and often we perceive ourselves to look older as well when we look in the mirror. Pain can strip us of our motivation to do the things we normally love to do. Thoughts of pain, and ways to adjust our lifestyle to avoid pain can consume our thoughts and eventually our entire existence; causing us become less social and less engaged in life—a disastrous outcome for older adults who need more than ever to be involved with meaningful social interactions.
I recently came across an article that reviewed a number of studies examining various mind-body strategies for relieving chronic NON-malignant pain in older adults. These strategies included tai chi, yoga, hypnosis, progressive muscle relaxation, biofeedback, guided imagery, meditation, and qi gong. The benefits of these methods are undisputed when it comes to relieving stress and its related maladies. When dealing with chronic pain researchers are cautiously positive, but are calling for larger clinical trials to be conducted before the scientific jury can definitively weigh in. My hunch is that anything we can do to help ourselves when it comes to chronic pain will also up the happiness factor.
Let me explain.
Chronic pain commonly triggers feelings of learned helplessness especially when people have been to their doctors, tried a number of medications, modified their lifestyles to the nth degree—and still they suffer, despite reassurance from the medical professionals that there is nothing seriously wrong other than a touch of osteoarthritis in the joints that “everyone gets” sooner or later. Of particular note, however, when it comes to using mind-body strategies such as Yoga to relieve pain, is the change in attituderequired to perform these self-therapies. It takes us from feeling helpless and defeated to actively taking control of our “rehabilitation”. Often this position of emotional strength starts a domino effect of better self-care and a more positive relationship with our body. For example: “That gentle yoga video made my joints feel better so I wonder if I will feel even better if I avoid all flour and sugar today and instead prepare a large vegetable salad for lunch (like mine, in the photo above).” Then that leads to going out for a 15 minute walk at lunch time, then to setting your timer to get up from your couch or office chair every 20 minutes to march in place or do a few sit ups. And so on.
It’s been established that mind-body strategies are really good at relieving stress. That alone will reduce the perception of pain. But because they also require an “active” component, our sense of self-efficacy (belief in our ability to affect our situation) will also be bolstered and before you know it you may experiences longer and longer stretches of time in which the thought or fear of your chronic non-malignant pain will not even enter your mind. You can start to once again pursue the things you used to love doing, instead of avoiding them.
If you are in chronic pain have it checked out by your doctor and ask about either starting with, or using mind-body strategies as an adjunct to their recommendation. You may be pleasantly surprised at the results.
Morone, Natalia E. & Greco, Carol M (2007). Mind-Body interventions for chronic pain in older adults: A structured review. Pain Medicinevol 8(4) pp 359-375.
© Raeleen Mautner, LLC 2018