Ever Been “Ghosted”? Here’s What to Do!

casper_the_friendly_ghost_issue_no.1_(march,_1991)

(By Source (WP:NFCC#4), Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=50316612)

The idea for the little child-ghost with the New Yawk accent was conceived in the 30’s and slowly evolved along the decades from books to comics to a cartoon show in the early 60’s. It was about a delightful ghost. A friendly ghost who wasn’t like the others. He actually wanted to make friends with people—not scare them. He wanted to help others—not hurt them. I loved the Casper cartoons, and you probably did too.

Flash forward to a term we never had to familiarize ourselves with back then—not even on Halloween when we cut three holes into our mother’s old sheets and morphed into little with trick-or-treat bags. The term “ghosting” doesn’t mean any of that today. Instead it refers to a growing phenomenon in a world that is growing increasingly less courteous.

“Ghosting” someone today, means you have an interaction with someone (or may have even had many interactions), and the interaction had been positive. You were on the same wavelength and came to an agreement to talk again or see each other. Then, without warning or explanation that person “disappears”, like a ghost.  You may or may not attempt to contact them and there is no response.

Ghosting can happen in any area of a relationship. It can happen after a first date when everything you thought was upbeat and the chemistry seemed to be there. The person says they would like to go out again but then—-POOF– no person.

Ghosting can happen in the context of business. You might have introduced yourself and your idea to someone in a position to purchase or implement that idea. They indicate they are “all in” and really enthusiastic. They give you their personal cellphone just so they are sure not to miss your follow up call. Then POOF—gone. No answer to your call, email or voicemail.

Ghosting can happen between friends or family members; even when longer-term relationships have been established.  You think everything is going fine then one day they stop responding to your calls, or calling you back. They stop responding to your emails or attempts at writing a letter, even just to see if they are okay (they are, as you have probably already checked with someone who verified this).

Most of us, even before we knew the term, have experienced the feeling in recent years—and the feeling is one of hurt, confusion, even anger. All of that is normal as we are used to having some kind of conclusion or answers to situations in which people give one impression then appear to change their mind without having the courage to explain, work things out, or even just punctuate their desire not to have further contact with you.

If you have been ghosted recently, I’d like to suggest that you switch your thoughts from a negative reaction (e.g., “what did I do, say, “etc. that may have caused this) to these two perspectives:

  • IT REALLY ISHIM/HER—NOT YOU. Barring extreme circumstances, disappearing without warning or explanation is usually an act of cowardice, rudeness, or just plain meanness on the part of the person who is doing the disappearing act.  IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Believe that.
  • Be GRATEFUL. Consider that when a person disappoints you by disappearing without warning, it is the natural process of the “nonsense” knocking itself out of your life. You don’t have time for others’ bad behaviors. Life is too precious. Spend yours in positivity, and
  • MOVE ON.That means, don’t dwell on it, don’t pursue further contact, don’t insist on an explanation, and don’t feed your desire to tell that person off.  Neutralize your feelings about that person (eg-stop caring) and let your heart be light. Get professional help if you need it, but always be a shining example of your own inner beauty. Act with dignity, appreciation, and courteousness, and know that you lost nothing, but gained your own self-respect.

If you like topics related to aging happy—please do subscribe to this blog!

COMING THIS NOVEMBER: The release of my book: AgingHappy: How to Knock Out the Nonsense and Make These the Best Years of Your Life. Check my website for my talks and workshops on this topic, including my upcoming presentation at OSHER LIFE LONG LEARNING lunchtime café’ on Friday, April 5th—UConn Waterbury.

Copyright Raeleen Mautner, Ph.D. 2019

 

How to Be a Mind Reader (And Why You Should)

Ten years ago (give or take) psychologist Daniel Goleman wrote a book called Emotional Intelligence; opening the first chapter with the unforgettable story of a middle-aged black gentleman who drove the Madison Avenue bus through New York City. On this particular sweltering August afternoon; the kind that made most people “sullen with discomfort”, the bus driver greeted each disgruntled-looking passenger with a hearty welcome and enthusiastic smile; even though few passengers returned his greeting. Then, as the bus continued on its journey through the hot city streets, the driver suddenly began to channel his inner tour guide; pointing out the treasures of the city as they rode by; remarking about this wonderful museum exhibit, that terrific restaurant over there, or the flea market of interest down the block. He could tell by looking at the expressions on his customers’ faces, that they could use an uplifting distraction. And he cared enough to be the one to put a smile on their faces.

By the time each passenger came forward to step down from the bus, they made it a point to thank the driver, wish him a wonderful day, and wave him on to his next stop with a smile. Just like that, they were transformed.

Good feelings all around.

Knowing how to engage in positive social interactions (i.e.. no fighting, no arguing, no negative criticisms, or political put-downs if someone didn’t vote the way you did) is a skill that goes beyond the academic IQ test. EQ is a form of intelligence all its own. Emotional intelligence, as Goleman called it, makes us—and others–happier.  It also helps us guard against loneliness—which affects older adults at alarming rates as our pool of friends dwindles, families become estranged, and divorce or widowhood becomes increasingly commonplace.

The ability to empathize with other people and interpret their mental state (needs, desires, motives, feelings and thoughts) is referred to as Theory of Mind or ToM. All positive human interaction depends on this ability to see things from another viewpoint. The bus driver in Dr. Goleman’s story knew that his passengers were not just scowly for the purpose of being unpleasant. They were unpleasant because they were hot, uncomfortable, and had been waiting at the bus stop under a hot summer sun. He didn’t snarl back at them, he felt their pain, and wanted to do something about it.

Unfortunately, research shows that the older we get, we tend to lose some of ability to decode what others are feeling and thinking; which makes us less adept at the kind of interactions we need at a time in our life when we need them most. Various ToM training programs have found to help, but a technique that I hadn’t expected to come across was the 5-minute meditation.

In this study half of the participants were assigned to the control group, whereby for five minutes they were to asked to sit, breathe, notice their thoughts and immerse themselves in them. The other half were in the the mindfulness meditation group where they also sat for 5 minutes, but were instructed to treat their thoughts as fleeting and keep returning their attention to their breathing for the entire 5 minutes.

Then both groups were given two tasks:

  • One task was to decipher various emotional states expressed by photographs of 36 pair of eyes (both male and female).
  • The other task involved watching a video clip involving 3 cartoon figures playing a ball toss game. One figure was excluded by the other two players during the toss game. At the end of that video both groups were asked to write letters to the player that was excluded.

The mindfulness group in both instances outperformed the group that did not engage in the meditation. They were able to mind read emotional states from looking at the photos of eye expressions, and they also expressed more empathy when writing letters to the player that was left out of the toss game.

If you want to maintain or increase your emotional intelligence and have more positive and less abrasive (irritating, emotionally charged, argumentative etc.) interactions with people, try taking a 5 minute mindfulness breathing meditation break before you leave your house or whenever you can throughout the day. It will soften you, make you feel happier, and draw people to your calm and wise demeanor.

Here’s my favorite 5 minute Mindful Meditation Technique:

  1. Breathe in slowly through your nose to the count of 4 (concentrate only on the counting as you breathe)
  2. Hold the breath for a count of 7
  3. Breather out slowly through pursed lips to a count of 9

Do this practice whenever you need it and watch your demeanor change and the quality of your relationships improve.

Let me know how short mindfulness meditation breaks are changing your life and social interactions.

 

BTW–Thank you so much for “following” my blog (If you haven’t done so yet, please do!) Also, I would love it if you would sign up for my monthly (or less) newsletter.

 

Reference:

Goleman, Daniel (2006) Emotional Intelligence: 10th Anniversary Edition; Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam

Tan ,B.G., Lo, B.C., & MaCrae, N. (2014) Brief Mindfulness Meditation Improves Mental State Attribution and Empathizing.

© Raeleen Mautner, LLC